Pastoral Competence and Compassion: Strengthening Marriage Preparation in the ISM”

One of the ongoing challenges within the Independent Sacramental Movement (ISM) is the lack of consistent formation and preparation for the celebration of marriage. Too often, clergy are asked to officiate weddings without having received sufficient pastoral or theological guidance.

I once spoke with a priest who had been approached by a couple seeking marriage but had no idea where to begin—what documents to request, what questions to ask, or how to structure the liturgy. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon, and it reveals a serious gap in ministerial training.

In addition, many individuals today become “online ordained ministers” so they can officiate weddings for friends or family members. While often well-intentioned, many do not realize how little they know about the pastoral, liturgical, or legal aspects of marriage. I hope the content that follows offers a basic framework for clergy within the ISM to approach this sacred responsibility faithfully and competently.

Marriage is both a religious and a legal institution. Ministers must know the laws governing marriage in the state and county where they preside. Each jurisdiction has its own requirements—for both the couple and the officiant—and failure to meet them can have legal consequences. Even something as simple as failing to return the marriage license within the required timeframe can create serious complications for a couple who believed they were legally married.

Remember: being ordained online does not always grant legal authority to perform weddings in every state. Clergy must ensure they are recognized as legal officiants and must understand the basic requirements, such as ensuring the bride signs with her legal name. Seemingly small details like these carry significant legal weight.

The celebration of Christian marriage is not a social function—it is a sacrament of profound spiritual depth, a covenant uniting two lives before God and the Church. For many couples, this may be one of the few times they encounter the Church in a meaningful way. Our ministry at such moments must therefore be pastoral, reverent, and competent.
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The Unique Opportunity Before the ISM

The ISM stands at a crossroads where it can serve those who have been turned away or overlooked by other traditions. Many couples approach ISM clergy because they face canonical or pastoral barriers elsewhere:
•    One or both have been previously married and seek a new beginning rooted in faith.
•    The couple comes from different Christian backgrounds—or one is not Christian at all.
•    They desire a full Mass or sacramental blessing that affirms their love rather than excludes them.

 

These are sacred moments of encounter. When a couple approaches us, it is never an inconvenience—it is an opportunity to show the mercy, flexibility, and hospitality of Christ. Our calling is not to diminish the dignity of marriage but to proclaim its grace in ways that heal, include, and uplift.
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The Sacred Duty of Marriage Preparation
Having officiated weddings in the Roman Catholic tradition, I have learned that the preparation is as holy as the ceremony itself. The weeks and months leading up to the wedding are fertile ground for evangelization, reflection, and spiritual renewal.

1. Meet the Couple Early
Always meet the couple personally. Ask about their faith journeys, their families, and their hopes for married life. Listen carefully for both strengths and possible challenges.

In my own ministry, I often used the PREPARE questionnaire to help couples better understand themselves individually and together. I reminded them that it was not a test to pass, but a conversation starter. Many times, couples would return to our next meeting eager to share the meaningful discussions they had afterward—about finances, communication, or future plans.

For instance, a young couple once admitted that one of them had significant debt, which worried the other. That conversation became an opening to talk about budgeting, trust, and shared responsibility. My role was not to lecture, but to gently guide their dialogue.

Before setting a wedding date, ensure you are legally and canonically authorized to preside. Collect required documentation—such as divorce decrees, baptismal certificates, or annulments—before confirming anything. Avoid promising dates until all necessary requirements are complete.

Typically, I met with couples several times:
•    The first meeting focused on the theology of marriage and their personal stories.
•    The second meeting reviewed their marriage inventory results and continued deeper conversation about their relationship.

I would then provide a booklet of liturgical choices—readings, vows, music, and prayers—and ask them to send me their selections by email. From this, I created a personalized wedding booklet to use at the ceremony.

About two weeks before the wedding, I met with the couple again for a full walkthrough of the liturgy, ensuring they understood the flow of the ceremony. This made the rehearsal smooth and reduced anxiety. I also told couples that no changes could be made after the walkthrough, preventing last-minute interference from well-meaning family members.

Finally, I always insisted the couple bring the marriage license to the rehearsal, avoiding any last-minute panic on the wedding day.
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2. Provide Pastoral Guidance
Offer both practical and spiritual formation. Topics to discuss include:
•    The meaning of Christian marriage as covenant and sacrament.
•    Communication, forgiveness, and conflict resolution.
•    The spiritual life of the home—prayer, worship, and service.
•    Balancing the vocation of marriage with individual callings and needs.
Encourage the couple to reflect deeply on what it means to love as Christ loves the Church—faithfully, sacrificially, and unconditionally.
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3. Collaborate on the Liturgy
Invite the couple to participate actively in shaping their ceremony. Offer choices for readings, prayers, and music, but ensure the entire liturgy remains Christ-centered. A well-prepared liturgy draws both the couple and their guests into the mystery of divine love.
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4. Maintain Integrity and Boundaries
Be honest if you sense that either party is not ready for marriage or if serious pastoral concerns arise. Approach such situations with compassion and truth. Rushing the process or ignoring warning signs helps no one.
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Lessons from Pastoral Experience
During weddings, I often invited the couple to turn and face the congregation during my homily. I reminded them that these are the people who love them, the community who will support them, and the witnesses to their sacramental “yes.” Marriage is not a single moment—it is an ongoing, daily covenant of love and fidelity.

I have celebrated weddings for couples whose love deeply inspired me. One young couple faced a devastating diagnosis when the bride learned she had cancer during marriage preparation. Her fiancé remained at her side through every treatment. Their love was steadfast, patient, and courageous.

 

I also recall a priest friend who celebrated a beautiful nuptial Mass—only to preside a week later at the groom’s funeral after an unexpected heart attack on their honeymoon. Marriage has no guarantees, and our ministry must help couples recognize that the sacrament calls them to love even through uncertainty and loss.
Sometimes the challenges come not from the couple but from members of the wedding party who do not grasp the sacredness of the ceremony. I always reminded couples that celebration is wonderful—but to save the toasts for after the liturgy. I never officiated a wedding when I doubted a person’s ability to give free and sober consent.

As clergy, our task is not to judge but to gently reorient hearts toward the sacred—to remind couples and guests alike that the Church’s blessing is not decorative, but transformative.
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When Weddings Become Complicated
Some weddings bring unique pastoral difficulties. Couples may carry emotional wounds from past relationships, strained family ties, or spiritual uncertainty. I once celebrated a wedding where guests had to discreetly watch for potential disruption from an ex-spouse.

In such moments, we must listen patiently, pray deeply, and affirm what is good. Remind them that God’s grace meets us in imperfection. When one partner is not Christian, or both have been distant from faith, focus on universal virtues—love, fidelity, and service. Let the beauty of the liturgy speak; it can evangelize more powerfully than argument ever could.
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The Pastoral Frontier: Weddings for the Excluded
This is one of the ISM’s greatest callings—to minister to those whom others will not. There are countless couples—interfaith, divorced and remarried, same-sex, or otherwise marginalized—who long for a sacred, dignified blessing of their union.

When we open our altars to them, we proclaim that the grace of God is not confined by institutional boundaries. We affirm that love, when faithful and self-giving, reflects the divine image.

This inclusivity does not mean that “anything goes.” Rather, it means we approach each couple with prayerful discernment, seeking to guide them toward holiness. We celebrate not in defiance of the wider Church, but in the hope of renewal, reconciliation, and healing.
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A Closing Reflection
Marriage ministry is not merely a ceremony—it is a pastoral vocation. Through it, ISM clergy can restore dignity to the forgotten, hope to the excluded, and sanctity to the ordinary.
Every wedding is a proclamation of the Gospel: that God still binds hearts together, Christ still blesses the love of His people, and the Spirit still consecrates human fidelity as a sign of divine grace.

The world is starving for such witness. Let us, therefore, take marriage preparation and celebration with the utmost reverence—so that every couple we serve may truly know that their love, sealed before God, has become a living sacrament of Christ’s enduring presence in the world.